Since the movie theaters have decided to only release one new movie in this area this week, and a horror film at that, there will be no movie reviews. Instead, I have decided to answer a friend’s question. After seeing my column about the Razzie’s, he asked what I thought were the worst movies of the year. To respond, I will borrow from a couple of sources.
First, I had to create a new name for the awards. As a play on my name and Rotten Tomatoes, I hereby establish The Rotten Olives. Note that I had to google to make sure there was such a thing as rotten olives because they seem to survive in the refrigerator forever. I think olives have the same half-life as the infamous fruit-cake.
Next, I will borrow from the NFL. You know them as the No Fun League. A movie can be an artistic, and even a commercial success, but still be an absolutely painful experience to sit through. You will easily spot some of these in my nominations. For example, I will not include Fences in this year’s nominations, since it was eligible for the Oscars last year. Did you enjoy watching Denzel Washington as a bitter old man spewing his anger over the screen for two hours? Maybe you tolerated it, but you were looking at your watch, thinking how long is this going to last. It was not fun and will be given a posthumous Rotten Olive.
And now, the nominations for The Rotten Olives for 2017 are . . .
1. Paterson — A movie about a mundane New Jersey bus driver. It was only good for a nap.
2. Free Fire — An arms deal gone bad. My first zero gavels which I described as shear boredom dressed as art.
3. The Circle — Big corporations are watching you. I described it as creepy. Thankfully no one watched it.
4. T2 Trainspotting — Dopers grow up, or not.
5. Get Out — Racist cult siphoning black men’s energy. Critics liked it; I thought it cringe-worthy.
6. Snatched — Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn get kidnapped. If only I had been kidnapped so I didn’t have to sit though this mess.
7. The House — Turn your house into a gambling establishment and wait for the mob to show up. A career worst for all involved.
8. The Emoji Movie — The previews and reviews were so bad I didn’t have the stomach to go see it. For the poop emoji alone, it makes the list.
9. Roman J. Israel. Esq. — A lawyer with few social skills. Do you know any? This is proof that real life doesn’t always make a good movie.
10. Father Figures — Hoosier your daddy? A new low.
11. Phantom Thread — A cruel dressmaker seduces young woman. Dreadfully slow and inappropriate.
12. The Disaster Artist — The making of the worst movie ever made. My second zero gavels. Enough said.
As you can see, I had a hard time narrowing the list down. I could have easily put another half dozen on this list.
The winner of The Rotten Olives for 2017 is . . . The Disaster Artist. I had a visceral dislike of this movie describing it as watching a dog being kicked. The words “no socially redeeming value” come to mind. As an inaugural winner, it is a great choice.